Angels

I believe Angels are all around us. We each have a Guardian Angel and then there is Arc- Angel Michael, Raphael, St Jude, etc... Angels are part of God, they work with God, in my understanding they are his assists so to speak. So, if you pray to God Angels will often appear to help or guide us.

Over the past few weeks I have been praying, maybe a little more than in the past or maybe a little more sincere than in the past and definitely louder (I use to pray quietly now I pray out-loud). I know they hear me but I don't know if I hear them. I ask for guidance and direction, I ask for messages, I ask for comfort. I know they are providing me with these but at times I still feel all alone, lonely, and quite empty.

Are these feelings normal? I don't know but I would presume so. When you lose things that matter to you there is a feeling of loss, a feeling that no one truly understands and a feeling of disparity. Therefore, I presume these feelings are normal. It is a time when you have to look at where you are, who you are, what you have and how you want to move forward.

As I think about all of this I ask my Angels to step in and help me. I know they are around because they are helping me sleep at night, they are providing a feeling of warmth when I feel left all alone.

Last night before falling asleep I asked my Angels to show me what is going on. The past few nights I have asked similar types of questions, show me what I need to do, show me where I need to go, show me what I should be doing, etc. In the mornings I journal but I never quite remember the previous nights question but ask similar things in my journal. The answers are fairly vague though. This morning I woke up and thought about the question and realized last night was the first night in a long time I don't remember any of my dreams. Lately my dreams have been vivid, I could remember who was in them yet, I couldn't quite figure out what they meant. Now, I don't remember anything. Is that a sign that my loss of memory is creeping into my dreams?

Deep down inside I feel my Angels showed me what is going on. My Soul knows, my mind might know but my memory doesn't . There is a slight comfort but there is still sorrow. I was hoping to move past the sorrow and into an understanding of what was going on. Right now I am still left with asking my Angels where to go to find positions, what to look for and who to apply to. I also continue to ask for them to help me listen to them and keep my heart open to them. Are they answering, are they there, I am positive they are. I wish I could see them, feel them, understand them but right now the only thing I have is a belief they are there. Why still a belief? I do notice small things happening and I feel comforted knowing I can ask for help and with a quick muscle test know at least with a yes or no if I am heading in the correct direction.

I wish I could see them, I have read they are beautiful, their light is magnificent. I am excited about seeing them again. I think somewhere deep down I yearn to return but yet I know there is a lot for me to learn and understand here. I know it is easier to learn here so I am working on learning what I can. I wish it were easier. What I do know is my Angels are at my side with me along the way.

Decisions, Decisions

In my search for a new position hoping I will find an identical twin to the last one I have come across a lot of interesting positions and people. In some ways it is a very cold process. You fill out an application online, fill in all the blanks, include a resume where all the blanks are answered again, and you submit a cover letter. All of this is time consuming, at times it can take a couple of hours to complete one application. The end result a two sentence e-mail stating they have other candidates they think would be better.

So, what happens when you get that call, that inquiry from an application submitted. They want you, you have the qualifications and more for the position, they almost beg you to join their team but.... the big but... it is part-time, no benefits, a four month commitment upfront, and a huge cut in pay... but, they keep reminding you it is your passion.

On the one hand it is a job, on the other hand it really isn't a career. On the one hand they want a successful business in order to make money and you can do it for them, on the other hand you do the work and they get the income. This is where friends begin to separate. Some say it is a job take it, you will have something to do until something better comes along. Others say are you crazy! You can take the job and if they don't listen to you when you say you are going to continue to look it is their fault.

What does the Universe say? The answer will come later of course! Each decision has consequences. Some consequences are positive, some income where there is none. Some consequences are negative, what happens if the day before you start you get offered a great position, then what? Lately the Universe has been watching a comedy when it comes to my life. The Universe probably has a different scenario in mind completely. The unknown to me scenario. A hint would be nice, a message showing or guiding me would be even better since I don't have a crystal ball.

The bottom line is I have to make a decision and live with it. Do I think of my career and what I need to be looking for and where I need or want to be going or do I think of an income and being able to help students? Tough decision but I think it comes down to faith.

Why faith? Do I have faith in myself and the Universe to guide me to a new career when it is time? Do I have faith in me and the Universe that a position as good as or better will arrive just in time? Do I have faith that I will be taken care of? A lot of faith.... I believe in the Universe and I believe everything will work out the way it is supposed to but I don't know what supposed to is right now. We don't usually know but usually there are a lot of clues, a lot of insights and messages to help us but right now I don't have any of this.

Presently I have an ego that thinks if I don't make a decision about taking the position I will be living on the street poor and how will I take care of the adopted puppy I promised to take care of? She was out on the street roaming and now she has a loving home. Will she think I tricked her or she isn't loved anymore or will she be in the same position again and then what? Also, how will I take care of my other dog? I took care of the cats well until they crossed over, how can I not do the same for him. I know he should have a few more years but his age is beginning to show. Do I really think I will be living on the street? NO, but I know of people who have struggled to when jobs were lost or family issues came in the way.

While we are on the topic, feeling abundance and prosperity is difficult when I feel a loss from what I had. Deep down there is a feeling of everything is ok, abundance flows to me easily and effortlessly and the statement so many of my family and friends tell me, Deb, you have been here before and always figure it out.

Is figuring it out taking this position or not taking this position. In my heart of hearts I know I will be ok, I know there is something grand for me, abundance will flow to me easily and effortlessly, and that all is well. No matter what the decision is I need to make it from a place of love not a place of fear. I know decisions made from a place of love always provide the perfect answer or direction. I also know that only I can make the decision and whatever decision I make it is perfect for me and that is all that matters.

I wish I could be calm, live in love and stop fear from entering my body, mind and soul but the ego has a means of making sure it shows up. It doesn't matter how big our ego is we each have an ego that tries to make our life decisions, well any decision. This time and hopefully many times to follow I will make a decision based on love and not fear, on what is best for my soul and not my ego. Will the decision process be easier, probably not but at least I will know I took time to figure out where the decision is coming from and that will hopefully offer me peace.

Is there help?

The rains come and go, cleansing the earth, feeding the plants and maybe cleansing our souls. Does the rain help? It appears to help my weeds grow. If the rain helps my weeds grow I presume it helps my plants grow too. The weeds are getting bigger and stronger and appear to out number the plants and flowers.

Is this a metaphor for life too? To cleanse is to clean out and I thought replace with something "clean" or better or healthier or a change to what was. If the rain provides more support for weeds does a cleans of our soul provide room for more downs, more issues, more problems, more anything but what we are looking for? I wonder at times.

I haven't done a full cleanse of my body but have tried to cleanse my soul and release yet I wonder what is being replaced. There are times I feel very low and wonder where  all of this going to. Then there are moments were I see a glimmer of hope but once I put it down or say it out- loud it doesn't really sound like hope. Is a cleanse something that has to deplete everything before building up or putting things back together?

On Monday I had a complete downer of a day, I think it probably rained a little bit that day. On Tuesday I felt good, I made it through the day without tears, no rain that day. Yesterday it was a sunny day, the rains were to come, my tears started to flow mid-day and later, not sure where I was going then a glimmer of not real hope but sort of hope appeared and carried me through the rest of the day. Today, the rains have come and gone, thunder included. Ups and downs abound and lack of clarity, my mind is spiraling around confused, not knowing. What is going on? Is there help for what is going on? Where will all of this lead to? I don't have any of the answers, living in the world of the unknown.

What I know for sure.... I think Oprah says something like this... What I know for sure, besides I don't have a job right now I don't feel  I know anything but here goes.... I know my health is ok, I know the rains keep coming, I know my dogs love me, I  know I have friends who check up on me, I know the plants are turning green, I know I saw an alligator the other day in the stream, I know the turtles had babies and they are all swimming in the stream regularly, I know a cardinal landed on my fence today, I know it will rain again probably today... Maybe I know a lot but where does all of this lead me? I know how to do what I did. I know I can learn more and do well at it. I know what my passion is but I can't seem to find how I am aligning to do it. I know my Angels and Spirit Guides along with the Universe are looking after me but I wish they would offer a little more insight!

Who do you go for soul help? Where do you go for job help? Who do you go to for support in living your passion? Is there help? I did go to my career counselor, Terry. He is great but  I don't feel where I am going or what I am looking for. I feel I spent today looking. I told myself I was researching, I was but I don't feel I got far. He taught me how to create my resume, write a cover letter, T-letters and direct letters. I have knowledge provided by Terry but where am I being lead to live my destiny, my passion? Who do I go for that assistance? Is there someone?

There are a lot of guru's out there who have their own method and they work for them. I haven't found one that totally works for me yet... yet... I keep hoping the answer will appear now! It is interesting, I have become one of the "younger" population wanting it now. In the past I would write cover letters and fill out applications, put them in an envelope and mail it then the wait would begin. Now I am doing it all online and answers return at times fairly quickly, the no's have come quickly anyway. Everyone says I am very talented anyone would want me, maybe but there has to be a position and money for them to "want" me. Does that console me, not really. Why not? My attitude about myself, not being in a position to see my talents at work right now, the desire to use my talents and getting no's, not sure what the answer is.

One thing I know for sure is I live in a world of the unknown. I thought I tackled that one over the past few years but now I see the world of unknown is more complex than anything I anticipated. It seems to be an unending dark tunnel. Where is the end, the light? No clue, it is unknown. Maybe there isn't one. If there is one is there help finding it? I don't think so, there are guides along the way to make sure we experience it and those who help us know it is something to learn but finding the end is something we have to do on our own.

Life is something we experience on our own. I think before coming here a plan, a curriculum, a list of possible adventures were presented. I decided to click all the buttons because the last round I wasn't here long and I want to make sure this round I get a lot of experiences. Was there help when I signed up? Maybe, but, maybe I didn't listen, coming here was too exciting to pass up. Now, here I am in the middle of another adventure or illusion trying to figure it out and move through the maze. I know when I get through it I will feel grateful and soon all of this will pass. Right now I am hoping that is soon!! I hope I didn't sign up for round two!

The "help" I have come across is valid and some of it makes sense and helps momentarily but in the end I still feel we each have our own journey to figure out. We each have our own needs. There are a lot of people out there promoting something to help us but each one is flawed. Not flawed for them but flawed for each of us. They provide tools for us to try, experiment with and use but we have to find our own tools to figure out where we are and what we are doing. I will keep seeking out help, listening to, reading, trying, meditating with those tools that I feel might help. Maybe one will do the trick but I am thinking a combination of them is probably what I need right now. Why? Because I feel that even though I am connected to everyone, I am made in  God's image I am still an individual who has my own journey that is a little different from everyone else. My curriculum is different, we all have different curriculum's.

The next question is one journey/curriculum/ adventure/illusion better than another. I don't think so, although at times I think so. When I see someone enjoying something they invested in enjoying the fruits of their labor I think, when will I be able to do that again? Why do they get all the breaks? They probably don't, it just seems when I am struggling everyone else looks wonderful! I presume the same is true for them too. Maybe it is a good thing we are all on different cycles, then when we need support our friends are there with us and when our friends need support we are there for them. I also look at those who have the ability to manifest things easily. I should have the ability but something is holding me back, what? I don't know. We all do actually. Why do some of us settle for what is and others of us don't? Why do some of us strive for something and it never seems to happen? Why do some of us work so hard and get lower incomes? Why are some of us given opportunities to create a great life and others of us aren't? Why do some people go to war and never return? Why do some people go to war and returned a wounded soul?

There are so many questions. I don't actually know the solution or the answers but I do know we are each here experiencing this life. I'm not sure how many of us signed up for a lot of experiences or just a few but in the end, we all have our own experiences to undertake. Is there help? Well, it depends on what help means. Friends helping by calling and checking on you is help. References telling future employers of your talents and abilities, that helps. Career counselors guiding you through the maze, that helps. Guru's out there telling us how to manifest, create more, find what we are looking for etc, they are helpful. I guess I was looking for specific help, the magic ball telling me what is coming next so I can be prepared but then the unknown would be known, the experience wouldn't be an experience it would be planned. Maybe not having help is the best way to have a true experience. Then we look within, decide what we need, what we have and where we would like to go. Maybe we learn to help ourselves, to experience ourselves, to enjoy the moment we are here in this body.

Have I truly experienced who I am and am I ready to move on or is it only my ego telling me to get busy?

Swirling, spinning, flowing, growing, .....Stillness... Feelings

This morning when I woke up and actually yesterday too I felt a calm, a peacefulness but yet I knew life wasn't calm, it wasn't peaceful nor in any sort of norm. The change was welcome but I was hesitant in accepting it. Why? Why not just enjoy it?

My first reaction is be careful. Over the past few weeks when I felt good or even close to being better than good something terrible would happen, a loss of my job, plans I was looking forward to being cancelled,  losing something else, right now I am blocking out those instances, why, I don't want to think about what could happen. Right now I look out the window feeling peace, gratitude and yet wondering what else is there left to happen? I am not sure I want to even think about if anything else could happen.

I didn't use to be this way. I would get very excited about little things that seemed positive and when something negative happened I knew it was a run of a few bad or negative things happening and then a move back to a normalcy. I thought I figured life out sort of. I would feel a high of great things not wanting to go down but knowing I had to go down to appreciate the high again. The lows weren't always that bad, sometimes a few nuisances, nothing big to things falling apart all at once or relationships ending, the norm of life.

I would come across people going through health issues, job issues, relationship issues and major life issues. I would admire their strength and fortitude, even the attitude of some. How could they be happy through a time like this? I would make a note that next time I would take the occurrences with a positive attitude. I would be an example like they were, be positive, keep positive energy flowing, this too shall pass, etc... etc.... WELL, what a fake! I was a fake! Yes, it did help some times and maybe it helped someone else to not worry about me but internally, at a soul level I was a fake. I still felt terrible but I didn't want to go there, why not? I thought the Universe would curse me and terrible things would continue to happen because I was there. Boy was I mistaken!!!

Somewhere I missed a few details. I was given a range of emotions to explore, play with in this life time, why not try them out? I have learned I can be angry, I can be mad, I can be frustrated, I CAN FEEL! Yes, I can feel the range of emotions! Whew! I am not strange, I am not burdening this world by being angry or mad. I am exploring my emotions.

I have also learned it matters what you do with those emotions. I can feel angry about losing my job, I can feel angry about something a family member or a friend did or even a stranger on the street. I don't need to hold it in, DON'T hold it in. Feel it and let it go.  The key is to FEEL and let go.For me the lesson is FEELING, once I feel it let it go. Getting angry doesn't mean to go out and reciprocate, beat someone or beat myself up. It means be angry, feel it and release it. I learned my body holds onto it if I don't. I don't need to hold onto that feeling or any feeling.

It is a feeling to feel, experience and let go. Wow! I felt I learned a lot here. I felt released from a burden I was carrying trying to be like the person who handles life's occurrences as if they were gifts with cake and ice cream. They are gifts to receive, experience and move on. It doesn't matter if the gift is of anger, peacefulness, gratitude, or exhilaration, it is a gift to experience and move on.  I can scream, laugh, smile, frown, I do because I can. I am a human being filled with emotions to express.

Today when I woke up I did have a sense of oh no, what will happen, and then I decided I would start creating a day like the day before, a day where I can make some decisions and gain some control over my life but not control it. I'm not going to lose the freedom but gather a sense of security for my soul right now which may mean to have a couple expectations for myself today. I have created a goal for the number of job applications to fill out each day. It is a chore I don't enjoy but it is something I have control over and this creates a comfort zone for me. I am thinking about adding eating better too today. A little more control to feel some comfort but in the realm of healing myself. Will these create a downward feeling, I don't know, it is an experiment today in hopes to calm the spinning I feel I am experiencing.

I have been in a spinning or spiraling a lot lately, spinning around not knowing where I am going, where I am going to land or what is going to happen. I am taking moments to tell myself I am on vacation, enjoy the time you have, you asked for it! (Yes, I did ask for time, not like this but I wasn't specific.) In asking for time did I create the spinning swirling, growing atmosphere? Maybe, I've learned that there is no absolutely for sure in life. There isn't a definite no nor a definite yes. Life is. The swirling/spinning may or may not stop, maybe that is the way life is meant to be for me right now. I don't know if spinning actually goes out of control the way we think of being in control. Maybe spinning takes us to where we need to go. Spinning away from what is to what is to be. Maybe it is a good thing.

From my perspective, I spun out of control and gave up  everything or lost everything except things that truly matter, friends, family, pets, home, and me. I lost a job, a sense of security, a sense of being of sorts, a sense of belonging in society, a sense of participating in society. I didn't lose me, the true me, I feel I am actually finding my authentic me. I am also finding my authentic friends and support system. It is interesting who shows up.

Yesterday I thought because it started off well I was going to lose my friends, I felt maybe I had leaned on them too much, not sure what that means but a thought went into that direction. I didn't want to lose my friends so should I be less "complaining" or in "pain"? Friends show up anyway. Some will listen more than others, no, I don't have to be in pain all the time or complaining but grateful for their friendship. They know the text to send, the timing of what to say when or something fun to do. They have a sense of what you need and when. I wanted to be a good friend and always show up for them. Now, I know how much it means when they show up for me. I am truly grateful, I just realized in the process I am learning how to receive, I am a giver, now I am a receiver. I didn't see this lesson coming.

Spinning, swirling, moving, not moving, wherever I am it seems to be for a reason. I am spinning, not knowing how or where to go right now. I am seeking guidance and understanding but when I am not looking I realize I am learning how to receive. It feels good, giving feels good too but receiving feels good I have received a huge gift of friendship that I am truly grateful for.

Maybe aiming for flowing, growing, peace, quiet, stillness isn't always the goal. Through spinning/spiraling, even through the thought of spinning/spiraling out of control lead me to realize what receiving feels like. I tried to be receptive to receiving but it was like trying to be happy when my world was falling apart at times. It wasn't authentic or true, now I know what it is authentically. I felt the need to have a job in order to have an income in order to be worthy to be able to create something to give. Now I see that when I am in "pain" at "the bottom" or what I feel is the bottom with nothing left, I have more than I could ever ask for, I have true, authentic, loving friends. THANK YOU!

Stillness is a great goal, it is an optimal place to be to see the world spin around us yet at times being caught in the spinning world opens up new lessons, thoughts, ideas and experiences that are there for us to have but can only be experienced in life's spinning cycle. I cherish my time of stillness, meditation, peace, quiet, and calmness, I feel good then. I am not a fan of constant spinning, I get dizzy, but I realize that life isn't meant to be spent in one place. Growth happens because and through and with everything else, at least for me. I also believe we each have our own desires, understandings, beliefs, whatever they are they are what we need. No one has an answer, nothing is "bad" and nothing is "good" they are all experiences we have the opportunity to experience. Some of us get to experience a large variety and choose to do so. Some decide to stay within a few and to dig deep into those, we are all here, we all have choices, we all have all the emotions, and experiences available to all of us. There is no right or wrong way.

I signed up for a lot of experiences and they have been happening. Spinning is one I am getting a little comfortable with so it may change soon. I still yearn for peace, joy, love and happiness. Maybe because I know that is where I came from and that is where I will return to, they keep me going through the experiences because I know peace, joy, love and happiness awaits me in the end either here or when I cross over.

One last note, a couple of days over the past few weeks I have found myself in a space of "knowing" and "understanding" the illusion of this life. I enjoy those moments and I am anxious to return to them. I'm not sure what that means, just a note. Another note, my astrology, cards, friends dreams all point to something grand happening in my life now, what is the jackpot? the relationship? Am I there now and not realizing it? I dream of being successful, having abundance, prosperity and love in my life. Are my definitions different than the Universes'?  - A question for next time....

Why does it hurt so?

Listening to the news, friends, others around us no matter where we are or what we are doing there is always someone who has lost a job, a relationship fails, a family member including animal have crossed over, was in an accident, sick, etc.... Tragedy appears all around us yet when it hits us it seems like we are all alone, why?

People tell you once this door closes another one will open, everything will be ok, the next position will be even better, that guy/gal wasn't good enough for you, this too shall pass, etc. There are so many phrases people use to try to cheer you up but in the end there is still a sorry down feeling lingering, a mourning that occurs.

Why? Why does it hurt so? I don't know. Even if you are prepared it still hurts. Even if it is for the best, it still hurts. Is it change happening that hurts or the actual occurrence? Why are some people able to be cheerful and positive about great tragedies and others fall apart over tiny things? So many questions but are there any answers?

I feel each one of us has our own life happening. As we travel down this road of life we each have our own road map, tools to assist us and our own refreshments. Maybe think of it as a group of young children on the playground with their mothers watching. Some mothers come prepared with band-aids, box juice, apple slices, ice, the entire first aid kit and lunch prepared just in case. Others decide the last minute to stop by on their way going to or from somewhere and have nothing.

If a child falls down and skins their knee the mother with everything packed has all the necessities to clean and tend to the wound including the child's feelings, well maybe. The person who stops by on the way doesn't have the supplies. When their child falls it means  either time is up at the playground and they go home to clean and care for the wound or the child continues to play. Is one setup better than the other? I don't think so.

The first scenario is a very prepared mother but if a child falls and hurts themselves caring for the external wound doesn't mean the internal would was healed. Maybe they were trying to do one more acrobatic fete and fell down. They feel defeated, they have been trying to do this one fete for several days now and they can't seem to conquer it. The skinned knee isn't the wound, it is their ego, their hope, their soul, their self pride, etc.. How does the mother heal that part of them? She may give them encouraging advice, you almost did it, you will get it soon. She may say, you have tried that stunt several times maybe it is time to give up on it and try something new, she may not say anything or do something totally different. Depending on the child's past the parent's response will create a memory for the next experience.

The same is true with the unprepared parent. The same identical happenings could occur minus the band-aid. But, what difference does it make for the child? In my opinion, it depends.

In life sometimes we are prepared for anything and everything but the one thing we never thought about happens and our wound is deep inside us. Other times we decide to try something out just for fun and when something out of the ordinary happens we may say well we were just stopping by for a second or the wound could go deeper. It depends on the past for each individual.

For me the past haunts me at times. Those little voices I hear of others not necessarily supporting me but putting me down. I would hear the voices and be determined to show they were wrong. I would work hard, be prepared, and thought I made wise decisions but, somewhere deep inside there is another feeling that I never thought about. I call it my passion.

Over the years I have realized that I can do things well but if it isn't part of my passion I am looking for an out or if my passion gets ignited I am looking for more ways to fuel the fire. Either way it may have meant moving on. I thought I reached a pinnacle with my passion. I was in a position I adored, thrived on and felt compelled to grow and learn more. Then one day I fell down, I hit the ground hard, that passionate position was gone. You would think along the way the band-aids were collected, the support would be there, the box juice was ready. But, no, knee hit the pavement and feels like it is bleeding profusely. Yes, I have wonderful supportive friends who are trying to put the band-aids on but the wound isn't external.  The wound is deep inside.

Why does it hurt so much more when it is inside? A skinned knee hurts a lot but the internal wound of the ego, self-confidence, self- acceptance, pride, etc. take a harder hit. Yes, there are a box filled with different types of band-aids but finding the one that fits is difficult, if there is one. What is needed is the courage to get up and find that new door, that better place, that new exciting change. But, the next question is how? The band-aids aren't holding in the oozing gunk. The band-aids don't dry the tears. It hurts, it hurts more than what is visible.

Now that you are in that place everyone has advice, what to do, where to go, how to move "forward." They also know when you should start, what is needed and the answers to all of your questions, at least in their minds.

The question that  plagues my mind is why do some people smile and move on, are they really? I remember reading there is a mourning process that goes on for everything. Mourning quickly over small things makes sense but we are talking deep internal wounds here. How do they mourn so quickly over major wounds? The counter question is why do some people mourn so long over major or minor wounds? Is there a time limit?

From my observations, we each have our own set of guidelines. We each have our own brand of band-aids, and we each have our own types of wounds to heal. There is no right or correct answer. Unfortunately, the societal needs interfere with the process at times, the need to pay bills, put food on the table, take care of the family become more important than healing the wound. Those who have the luxury of time to heal their deep wounds make profound discoveries, they write books telling the rest of us how to conquer the world. They start living perfect lives, well that is how it appears on the outside.

From my experience, those wounds may get a temporary band-aid or fix but the Universe has a way of saying, the first time your wound didn't heal, it is festering so now you need to take time and heal it. I don't think the Universe states it that way. I truly think the Universe has a sense of humor and thinks something like, last time you started this. You thought you fooled me by acting like it is healed but there is still something there you want to learn so, lets try this again and see where you go or the Universe will say, wow, you did a great job lets try this again to see if you can do as well the second time. I think the Universe sits back and laughs at us at times. We must look quite hilarious going crazy over minute things when viewed in the big picture.

Even if the Universe chuckles at us we still have to go through it and deal with whatever "tragedy" we are facing. I wish I could chuckle now and laugh with the Universe but I also know the Universe gave me a range of feelings. I tended to hide those that I thought were "negative" because I wanted my children to think I was strong. Now I am realizing, through the Universe' humor that those feelings are just as worthwhile as the happy, smiling, upbeat feelings. In other words, I probably got mad at my brother once or twice when he tricked me. It was funny but at the time it wasn't funny to me, I would be mad. I am thinking right now the same thing is happening. I get to feel the range of emotions with hopes of making it to laughing. I would much rather laugh than feel the hurt but I believe it is better to feel the range of emotions than to stick to a couple. Besides, if I don't practice them who will?

Living in the Unknown

Living in the unknown....

First what does "unknown" mean. For me it means "not knowing." Clever I know but not knowing what your children are doing at any moment when they are young, not knowing how they are doing in college - do they need help or not - not knowing what is going on with your daughter's wedding and you are the mother of the bride, not knowing when someone is going to show up besides some time that day, not knowing where your next meal is coming from, etc... You get the idea. There are some things you don't have an answer for.

Some unknowns are frustrating and/or infuriating. Not knowing what is on the pizza when you bite into it only to find whatever you are allergic to is on the pizza. Not knowing when your friend is going to show up but knowing it is within a 3 hour time frame. Then the frustration of wondering if you have time to go to the grocery store before they get here or not. In the big picture these unknowns are minor and frustrating but at times we tend to make them out to be bigger than what they really are. We want to know, we need to  know so we can make plans ourselves, we would like to know so we know as much as everyone else. Other than these few reasons not knowing really isn't a big deal. It comes and goes and everything works out the way it is supposed to, you find out sooner or later.

I remember about a year ago when living in these minor unknowns frustrated me terribly. I liked to have a plan, I would like to know what is going on so I could make plans. I didn't want to wait around and miss something and I didn't like it when a child would be upset with me because I couldn't do something because I didn't know about it. Then, one day I was talking with a friend. She wanted to know so she could make plans about what to do. The light bulb went on, when living always in the known the surprise of the unexpected disappears. What if something better was possible and we are stuck with our known? Maybe not knowing everything offered a little excitement to life! Yes it is frustrating when people ask how "whatever" is going and they would think you would know and you say I don't know. I felt like a jerk, I should know but I am only the mother, what do I know?

After a few months of just saying I don't know or I don't know anything I sort of got used to it. I would also joke about it and say something like I'm only the mother why would my child tell me anything? I am along for the ride. What could I do besides laugh it off? I can't say I am totally used to living in these minor unknowns but there is a little more comfort there.

Why would I bother to find comfort in it all? Now that there is a little comfort the Universe decides it would be more fun to push it up a notch so to speak. Why not live in the unknown with my career? Not knowing from month to month whether or not I had a job. Yes, I could have looked for another job and left the unknown but why? I loved what I was doing and I had hope each month that everything would work itself out.

A few months passed, I was sort of getting comfortable living in that unknown, yes it bothered me a little but so far I could handle it. Guess what? The Universe decided to bump it up another notch. I am guessing I wasn't learning what I wanted to learn or there was more to it than what I thought there was. Ok, now no job. Every day I live in the unknown of not knowing what is going to happen next, next minute, next hour, next day, next week, next month, etc... It is scary!! This is a time when faith steps in big time.

I have faith everything will work out the way it is supposed to. How is it supposed to work out? I have faith that I am being taken care of. What level of taken care of is it? I have faith the next position will be better than the last one. Does that mean it will last longer? I have faith that my life is improving. Does that mean I find a job?

Living in the unknown requires a lot of faith, love, compassion, understanding and peacefulness.Not knowing what is going to happen next creates discomfort. Growing, learning and moving out of our comfort zone also is discomforting. Having faith at times is discomforting too although it is meant to be comforting. I do have faith, I know everything will work out and all is well. Why? I don't know, maybe because that is the only part of the unknown I know. This isn't my first experience deep in the unknown. It is my first experience recognizing where I am at. (Not because I have been here several times but because I intend to experience it so I don't have to return.)

Everyone tells me I will figure it out, I will have a job, I will be ok, I will.... why? Because in the past I always did. I have faith now that  I will. I don't know how or when or where but I have faith that this time in the unknown I am getting comfortable so when I enter the known slipping back into the unknown periodically will be comfortable for me and not as scary. The voices inside me will be quiet or at least quieter and I will be able to maneuver in the dark places of the unknown. Maybe next time I will remember to bring a flashlight!

The unknown is uncomfortable and may always be uncomfortable at times but living here for a little while now I have to say there is some beauty in it too. I noticed my surroundings before but now I am noticing them a little closer. I have time to think, to dig deep, to explore the unknowns within me. I am seeing those around me, my family and friends, show up for me. I am also seeing others around me and their place in our world instead of focusing only on my surroundings in my world. There are a lot of interesting and unique people out there.

The other cool thing is the Universe keeps sending me messages. Now I look for them and listen. I am sure they were there before but I would ignore them and move on. Making note of them is exciting and rejuvenating. Sometimes I feel I miss a message and feel lonely. But then I remember a lesson from today. Last night I had a desire to record a show but I didn't want to watch it then. Today I watched it wondering why was I supposed to watch this show? I had a few guesses but they didn't meet the message that occurred at the very end in the dialogue, several of us walk alone because we are afraid to share who we are. I have been feeling alone, feeling like the only one walking this unknown path. There are others whose paths are similar but different but many of us are walking a parallel path. I am not alone, it only feels that way at times. There are others living in the unknown and dealing with it in their own way. I may feel  physically alone traveling in the void of the unknown but I am connected with everyone. I know that and remind myself of that when I am sitting alone in my home wanting a big hug or someone to hold me and tell me everything is working out, all is well or the unknown will be known soon. I would also like to have someone here when I find my wonderful new position that transcends the previous one and I move from the unknown to the known.

They say that sometimes we can feel all alone in a room full of people. Can we feel like we are among a large group of friends when we are all alone?  - A thought for another time.....

Understanding the confusion of "Forward"

This morning as I was writing my morning pages,... still going through the "Artist Way." It is the second round in a row and I still haven't caught up on my readings but the morning pages are going strong. (I have done the course a couple of times already but I still need to reread them.)

Now that is cleared up, this morning as I was writing in my morning pages the word "forward" came up. What does forward really mean? Moving forward, leaning forward, facing forward, or moving upward, spinning upward or downward... any similar term, what does it truly mean with regards to life?

Initially I was thinking I hit bottom so now I am moving forward or upward. Have I gone backward lately? Did I "hit bottom"? Is there a "bottom"? Am I facing forward so I am moving forward? I was totally confused. Do our lives spiral out of control, upward or downward? Why do they and what does it mean? Do we ever have total control over our lives in order for it to start spinning out of control? So many questions, yet, what are the answers.

An easy answer is to say that is just a catch phrase, verbiage, a cliche or slang. But what are the hidden meanings or implications. For example for me to start moving forward means I must have been going backward. How long was I going backward before deciding to move forward? I was in a position and working for people at a place I loved. I would have stayed their forever, well, maybe not forever but since we are going there lets say forever. I tend to change positions regularly, I would get bored and move on or an opportunity presented itself and it was time to move on. I didn't want nor was I planning to move on or forward at least not yet.

If I am moving forward now I must have been moving backward then or standing still, the only other options I see right now. But, I don't think I was moving backward. Was I standing still? Maybe and I didn't realize it? If I was standing still then why would moving be so depleting to my soul? I thought if I was standing still or not moving in life I must be in a place of blessed stillness or dead! I wasn't so I 'm not sure I was standing still. If I was standing in stillness I would be meditating, being in stillness. If I were meditating I would think I would have a notion that things were changing and going to change quickly. Is there something else I was doing that was unknown? Was I on another plane? Was I in a coma? Where was I to be able to start moving forward?

I really don't get it. Why do we have so many cliches that don't make any real sense? If this a cliche. Is it supposed to make  us feel better? It didn't for me.

I'll try looking at it from a different angle. Was my life spinning out of control and now it is in control now that I am moving forward? What does spinning out of control look like? I am sure there are those who have their own opinions based on societal expectations. Things like too  much drinking or drugs or being addicted to something could be part of spinning out of control, we have no control over our actions or addictions when in those situations. But, are we spinning out of control.

When I think of a spinning top or a hurricane spin they tend to go in one place for a little while and then move with something touching land or earth. If things get in the way they may hit them topple over and quite possibly destroy them but eventually the top or the hurricane stops or dissipates. If our lives go spinning out of control does it suddenly stop or dissipate? I would think yes, when we die. But usually or hopefully lives aren't crossing over because they stop spinning out of control. The hope is they "hit bottom" and then correct themselves, whatever "hit bottom" and "correct" themselves means.

I still don't get it. I had a great job, I have worked hard for a number of years, I have a loving family and friends, I enjoy my home and my pups. What was spinning out of control for me to hit bottom to have to start moving forward to?

After looking at forward for a little while I am wondering, just wondering, if it just means change. Whether we are spiraling or moving forward or backward or anything, experiencing a change, no matter what type of change, throws us into a place we don't quite understand so we start moving.

I don't understand the place I am in. I am hoping and working at moving in a direction that is comfortable for me again. I know growth is happening, I know change is happening and my hopes are it moves me to a place better than where I have been, otherwise why go through it? Well, I don't want to know the answer to that rhetorical question. I always embrace change but this time I have to admit, it is difficult to embrace. I feel like a clearinghouse, everything is being cleared away for the new. I don't see where the change is taking me; I don't know if I will be moving forward or backward or spinning but I do believe that life is full of change. Embracing the change no matter which direction or how it takes us is survival of sorts. Whether it is a change in jobs, in homes, schools, practices, or small changes in our lives things start shaking up and we are put in a position to re-evaluate where we are, who we are and where we are going although the last question is not literal.

Where this change is going I don't know. How this change is going to affect me? I don't really know except for now I feel out of balance and lost. My balance was my previous life, now I don't know anything about where I am going if I am going forward, sideways, backwards or in spirals. I don't know what tomorrow brings nor the next hour. I don't know where my feelings will be at any moment. I am truly in my thoughts living in the unknown. My change lead me deeper into the unknown. It didn't matter how I got here, forwards or backwards, but I am here. Sometimes it feels peaceful and some times it feels stressful. I often wonder what else I have to give up to be able to have a glimpse of where I am going but at other times I tell myself what else is left? Not a good question to ask the Universe, the Universe will find something else to remove!

Living in the unknown, not knowing about your daughter's wedding or understanding what is going on, not knowing what is going on with your children or what is going on in your hairdressers mind as she cuts your hair is a very calm place to experience the unknown. Living every moment in the unknown is very interesting....

Next or for another time: Living in the Unknown

The Beginning of the Roller Coaster Ride - sort of....

I've never  been a fan of roller coaster rides except for one time. The up, down and all around movement often left me stumbling as I got off and rather sick to my stomach except for one time, it was a few months after my second son was born. We were visiting Disney World and my older son wanted to ride the roller coaster in Futureland. I volunteered, my former husband wasn't a roller coaster rider either. 

My son and I waited in line. I vividly remember my son being excited and me wondering how I would feel after the ride, would I be sick the rest of the day? How would I move forward? So many worries. I decided the best thing I could do would be to keep my eyes closed for the ride and then maybe I would be able to survive, I saw the roller coaster's twists and turns when the lights were on. Luckily it is dark during the ride. 

We got on the ride, I even opened my eyes once to see the ride. It was wild, I remember the thought of being with my son the first time he road a real roller coaster. After the ride I got off feeling GREAT! I made it through the ride all in one piece and I am not sick!! I remember that day for a number of reasons, my son's first roller coaster ride, riding the roller coaster and feeling great afterwards, and today I see my former husband in a different light. He refused to ride the roller coaster initially but seeing I got off feeling great, smiling and actually enjoyed it he wanted to ride it too. I don't totally remember but I think he did and didn't feel so well afterwards. - Back to this later....

Thirty-some years later I am riding a huge roller coaster in life. The lunar eclipses I at first embraced have thrown me on a roller coaster full of many curves, loops, ups and downs. I have reached the lowest part of the roller coaster and look to moving higher. The first eclipse started the end of March 2015, two weeks before Easter. I decided to embrace it as much as I could, to me I thought it was a time to grow, be happy and move forward.

Boy, did I take on the biggest roller coaster of my life! The first eclipse opened up a huge change in my life, one I wasn't sure I wanted to change. It initially started at the end of 2014, I put in the burning bowl ceremony I wanted to release the past, all of the past and move forward. Looking back the roller coaster ride started slowly, maybe it was me standing in line preparing for what was ahead. My anxiety of the ride was showing through life occurrences: Grants weren't being awarded to my group, projects were there and then would disappear. My health wasn't bad but old "scars" started to appear. My jaw started acting up, that started with an old filling falling out. I'm sure if I looked harder there were more signs. 

For now a look back starting for a search for a dentist that would take my insurance, a bigger project than what I thought. My monthly fees over several years would have paid for the visit probably without the insurance but I found a place. I went in with confidence. Then while taking x-rays my jaw started feeling tight. I would have that feeling every once in a while and I could ignore it and move on but this time I was feeling my mouth slowly closing. I had a hard time keeping it open yet I needed to do something about the tooth. My jaw had to be forced to stay open. 

The "new" dentist or rather young dentist was enthusiastic but he had never dealt with something like this before. A new beginning for me and something for me to move past. I was teaching him while learning how to let go. The procedure took a long time, my mouth was fatigued, my jaw ached. I was in tears and crashed when I got home. Somewhere deep down I knew this had nothing to do with my tooth but I held onto moving forward in the same manner, to keep going the only way I thought I knew how to. 

The days that followed my jaw would pop almost regularly when talking or even just moving it slightly. I had to address the situation before going back in a few weeks. I went to the chiropractor, a dear friend of my body, he could fix anything in my mind. He adjusted my neck and the popping slowed down tremendously but my jaw ached from the past few days. The dentist appointment was the next day. I was hoping all would be fine. 

Hoping is the key word. Throughout the day I was feeling a tightness in my jaw, I would calm my thoughts thinking I could do this, I did it a few weeks ago. Everything will work out. Then, I got a call asking if I could go in earlier. I wish I would have said no but in the big picture at least I showed  I was trying. It was only a dental check, what was going on? I arrived a little earlier and was lead into the x-ray room. I asked several times if I needed more x-rays, not really knowing why I was asking, it isn't something I would normally do. Of course they wanted more x-rays, different ones. Well, they got one and then my jaw locked. I was in tears trying to talk and feeling bad. I was embarrassed, it was only a dental check, why couldn't I let them look at my teeth? The dentist was able to look at the cap and do a little work on it. 

I finally left with another appointment in a few weeks and thinking I needed a plan to move forward. I remember telling the dentist it is the emotion associated to it, now it was time to release it but how? Not sure why I shared that information but it came from somewhere deep. It was a message I was meant to hear.  

Strange things kept happening, how to move forward? I contacted a dear friend, Tracy, and asked her for a reading. There were too many strange things happening. We set up a time, last time I marked my calendar and then I forget to call. I wasn't going to forget this time. I did all I could to remember, I even set an alarm. I needed some insight, my logical brain needed to know what was going on and what to do. 

I was relieved to chat with Tracy, I knew she would have some insight into my chart and what was going on right now. Little did I know that this was the "official" start of the roller coaster ride. The past few months were me standing in line preparing,  I was now on the ride, slowly moving forward and had been for a long time.

Uranus was having a great time at my expense so to speak. The Universe was laughing too! Besides the jaw I also had a laundry list of "strange" things happening. I saw my former husbands doppelganger, I met someone who kept pushing my buttons, opening wounds I didn't know I even had yet kept showing up. I had a jaw that locked, I was beginning to feel totally out of  control. I have spent the past year at least dealing with living in the unknown, I thought I had that down or at least could accept most of it but now, things started to spiral, I needed to know something and I felt I had to start doing something about it. 

After the meeting I had a  plan. I was happy with the plan. I was going to go out and get a new journal, I hated journal-ling but I was going to do it in the bath with nice smelling salts incorporated in it. I would get oils to smell during the day and in the bath, I had a plan, I felt better. Every night I would take a bath salt bath, journal and heal my Divine Feminine. The other part of the plan was to find other sources that could help me. I knew of a woman who I worked with several years ago, she was a regression therapist. I know I had great success with her and I wanted to see her again. Looking back I had felt this for several months, I even gave her info to a friend. Now it was my turn to move forward. Unfortunately, she moved away and retired. I was given her replacement so I set up an appointment. 

As a believer in Eastern medicine I called a friend about acupuncture. She was going to get back to me, she had an idea, maybe I could get into the free clinic. I felt I was setting up a happy journey to clear what was visible to me at the time. Boy was I wrong!!!

Surprise! That was only the  beginning of a wild ride I wasn't prepared for nor would I ever be prepared for. My roller coaster ride excitement was just beginning. There wasn't a plan I could follow, I couldn't close my eyes and hope for the best. I was riding the roller coaster with my eyes wide open. I was going to try my plan anyway..... 

My first bath started the evening of the lunar eclipse two weeks before Easter 2015. I felt ok, I checked my notes about relationships that were suggested for me to explore. I started my journal. I created what I thought was a good set up. I had a plan of when to take the bath, the salts were sitting next to the tub, I even scented some salts, a tray for my journal that came with the fancy pen, a speaker in order to listen to music on Pandora, love songs seemed like a good match, Michael Bubble worked. My journal was a little forced but I was intent on moving forward and I would journal. I had a plan for success.  Unfortunately, it was my plan and only my plan. Roller coasters have a path but this roller coaster was in the dark and I didn't have a clue what it looked like. 

The next day I got oils for grief release. I knew there were times I would be very emotional around my dad's crossing over so those would be a good to release that feeling. My thoughts would be to double duty everything. I decided journal for now, oils for grief over my dad and a course I ordered online to work on forgiveness of myself and others. I had everything covered, a plan, or so I thought. My logic mind figured it out. At times I don't realize what side of the brain I am using or the side that is working until after the fact. Now I see my logic mind was at strongly at work finding a solution while the creative side was resting. 

I continued the process for a couple of days thinking soon a week would be over and then the second week and I would be cured. If only life and roller coasters flowed so smoothly. I don't think people would ride the roller coaster except for small children and adults like myself who didn't do well riding roller coasters if it did follow my plan. Looking back, life has never been so organized or easy as what I thought I was creating but, I continued on my plan. 

I don't remember exactly when things started falling apart or rather clearing or when the roller coaster truly started the spins and spirals. By the following Thursday I found out my job was ending on Tuesday, I owed a significant amount  in taxes due to an opportunity to work part time last year (I thought I was preparing for this and making a bigger nest egg), I needed to get my house painted, the lawn crew didn't like not coming every week so they could get paid, the list goes on. It seemed like everything had a hurdle to it. I was on a huge spiral, now I know roller coasters can only spiral so long and then they need time to get momentum up for the next round, I would prefer it slow down so I could breathe. 

Needless to say, I called my friend Wayne. He was very comforting, he is a true friend who shows up for me every time. His wife Tracey was e-mailed too. Unfortunately, I took a vacation day Friday, it could have been a sick day or I could cancel then I would get one more day of pay but, I already took it off. I didn't know what to do, cry, have faith, I was beginning the decent. I was still in shock but trying to move forward. I went through with my Friday plans, my plans to clear all of this up. 

First I went to see Theresa at the College of Acupuncture, I was showing up, I not only needed help with my jaw but with my emotions, spirit, and soul. I remember feeling like I was sort of on cruise control going there. I found the building, parked, went in, filled out papers and then went through the interview in front of the entire class. The interview went fairly well. I wasn't sure what was going to happen but I was ok. I am an educator, I am willing to help others learn. I was taken to another room while they showed through a camera where the needles where put in. The instructor came in saying only one person should put the needles in to keep the energy from one person.  I am not sure why I remember that statement but in my mind I was worried it wasn't going to work because I had three or four people putting needles in. 

After the needles were put in Theresa asked me if I wanted to be alone or if I wanted her to stay. Usually I would be ok by myself and preferred it but I was scared, emotions were floating to the surface and flowing out. Theresa stayed comforted me and told me to release them, all would be ok. (Little did I know she was in the same position without a job, she knew my feelings and thoughts). The good news was I am healthy, I need assistance clearing some energy plus she made sure I was on the list for the next month. I felt her loving heart connect with mine, I would be ok. She told me to relax, drink some chamomile tea and add some color to my outfit, take care of myself and relax. 

Shortly after I got home Chitra was going to be there, the next part to my plan. I could take care of all of this in one day - my plan. She was going to work with me through regression therapy to remember my past. Something in my past needs to be revealed so I can release it. She came, we chatted for a while and then meditated together. She cleared my chakras and talked with me. No regression for now but she said I needed it. I was told my worthiness was being questioned by me regularly. I heard everything I did because I was trying to prove I was worthy. I'm not sure that is what she truly said or how this all fits in yet. 

I'm not sure what happened, I was drained, upset, and not sure what was going on. My plan didn't work. Maybe everything started hitting me all at once. maybe it was that drop in the roller coaster ride that I was feeling. Little did I know the drop was only the beginning. After a nap I called Tracy in desperation , no e-mail, a call was needed. Besides, she always seems to have an explanation. I like explanations, the logical side of my brain loves explanations. 

I shared with Tracy all that had happened over the past week after apologizing for calling. She said to call her any time, whew, knowing she is there is a tremendous relief for me especially now that on some level I realized my plan was never going to work, it wasn't the Universes' plan. We discussed how the eclipse hit me hard and the baths were cleaning out a lot, I was doing a lot and feeling it. I wasn't going to let up but move forward, it is only the beginning of the ride anyway. I kept telling myself, I am strong, I can do this, it will be done soon.... maybe this was preparing for the roller coaster ride too. 

Realizing the roller coaster is just getting warmed up, the spiraling, the ups and downs are just beginning, I needed to figure out how I was going to hang on, hoping my seat belt could hold me in. I was preparing myself for the ride of my life, hopefully the only ride of my life like this!! Unfortunately, I knew this wasn't the only one, I have been here before. I made it this far, I can do it again. The only thing I really know now is to hold on and hope my seat belt is strong and will hold me in. 

Next: How low can I go?