Living in the Unknown

Living in the unknown....

First what does "unknown" mean. For me it means "not knowing." Clever I know but not knowing what your children are doing at any moment when they are young, not knowing how they are doing in college - do they need help or not - not knowing what is going on with your daughter's wedding and you are the mother of the bride, not knowing when someone is going to show up besides some time that day, not knowing where your next meal is coming from, etc... You get the idea. There are some things you don't have an answer for.

Some unknowns are frustrating and/or infuriating. Not knowing what is on the pizza when you bite into it only to find whatever you are allergic to is on the pizza. Not knowing when your friend is going to show up but knowing it is within a 3 hour time frame. Then the frustration of wondering if you have time to go to the grocery store before they get here or not. In the big picture these unknowns are minor and frustrating but at times we tend to make them out to be bigger than what they really are. We want to know, we need to  know so we can make plans ourselves, we would like to know so we know as much as everyone else. Other than these few reasons not knowing really isn't a big deal. It comes and goes and everything works out the way it is supposed to, you find out sooner or later.

I remember about a year ago when living in these minor unknowns frustrated me terribly. I liked to have a plan, I would like to know what is going on so I could make plans. I didn't want to wait around and miss something and I didn't like it when a child would be upset with me because I couldn't do something because I didn't know about it. Then, one day I was talking with a friend. She wanted to know so she could make plans about what to do. The light bulb went on, when living always in the known the surprise of the unexpected disappears. What if something better was possible and we are stuck with our known? Maybe not knowing everything offered a little excitement to life! Yes it is frustrating when people ask how "whatever" is going and they would think you would know and you say I don't know. I felt like a jerk, I should know but I am only the mother, what do I know?

After a few months of just saying I don't know or I don't know anything I sort of got used to it. I would also joke about it and say something like I'm only the mother why would my child tell me anything? I am along for the ride. What could I do besides laugh it off? I can't say I am totally used to living in these minor unknowns but there is a little more comfort there.

Why would I bother to find comfort in it all? Now that there is a little comfort the Universe decides it would be more fun to push it up a notch so to speak. Why not live in the unknown with my career? Not knowing from month to month whether or not I had a job. Yes, I could have looked for another job and left the unknown but why? I loved what I was doing and I had hope each month that everything would work itself out.

A few months passed, I was sort of getting comfortable living in that unknown, yes it bothered me a little but so far I could handle it. Guess what? The Universe decided to bump it up another notch. I am guessing I wasn't learning what I wanted to learn or there was more to it than what I thought there was. Ok, now no job. Every day I live in the unknown of not knowing what is going to happen next, next minute, next hour, next day, next week, next month, etc... It is scary!! This is a time when faith steps in big time.

I have faith everything will work out the way it is supposed to. How is it supposed to work out? I have faith that I am being taken care of. What level of taken care of is it? I have faith the next position will be better than the last one. Does that mean it will last longer? I have faith that my life is improving. Does that mean I find a job?

Living in the unknown requires a lot of faith, love, compassion, understanding and peacefulness.Not knowing what is going to happen next creates discomfort. Growing, learning and moving out of our comfort zone also is discomforting. Having faith at times is discomforting too although it is meant to be comforting. I do have faith, I know everything will work out and all is well. Why? I don't know, maybe because that is the only part of the unknown I know. This isn't my first experience deep in the unknown. It is my first experience recognizing where I am at. (Not because I have been here several times but because I intend to experience it so I don't have to return.)

Everyone tells me I will figure it out, I will have a job, I will be ok, I will.... why? Because in the past I always did. I have faith now that  I will. I don't know how or when or where but I have faith that this time in the unknown I am getting comfortable so when I enter the known slipping back into the unknown periodically will be comfortable for me and not as scary. The voices inside me will be quiet or at least quieter and I will be able to maneuver in the dark places of the unknown. Maybe next time I will remember to bring a flashlight!

The unknown is uncomfortable and may always be uncomfortable at times but living here for a little while now I have to say there is some beauty in it too. I noticed my surroundings before but now I am noticing them a little closer. I have time to think, to dig deep, to explore the unknowns within me. I am seeing those around me, my family and friends, show up for me. I am also seeing others around me and their place in our world instead of focusing only on my surroundings in my world. There are a lot of interesting and unique people out there.

The other cool thing is the Universe keeps sending me messages. Now I look for them and listen. I am sure they were there before but I would ignore them and move on. Making note of them is exciting and rejuvenating. Sometimes I feel I miss a message and feel lonely. But then I remember a lesson from today. Last night I had a desire to record a show but I didn't want to watch it then. Today I watched it wondering why was I supposed to watch this show? I had a few guesses but they didn't meet the message that occurred at the very end in the dialogue, several of us walk alone because we are afraid to share who we are. I have been feeling alone, feeling like the only one walking this unknown path. There are others whose paths are similar but different but many of us are walking a parallel path. I am not alone, it only feels that way at times. There are others living in the unknown and dealing with it in their own way. I may feel  physically alone traveling in the void of the unknown but I am connected with everyone. I know that and remind myself of that when I am sitting alone in my home wanting a big hug or someone to hold me and tell me everything is working out, all is well or the unknown will be known soon. I would also like to have someone here when I find my wonderful new position that transcends the previous one and I move from the unknown to the known.

They say that sometimes we can feel all alone in a room full of people. Can we feel like we are among a large group of friends when we are all alone?  - A thought for another time.....