This morning as I was writing my morning pages,... still going through the "Artist Way." It is the second round in a row and I still haven't caught up on my readings but the morning pages are going strong. (I have done the course a couple of times already but I still need to reread them.)
Now that is cleared up, this morning as I was writing in my morning pages the word "forward" came up. What does forward really mean? Moving forward, leaning forward, facing forward, or moving upward, spinning upward or downward... any similar term, what does it truly mean with regards to life?
Initially I was thinking I hit bottom so now I am moving forward or upward. Have I gone backward lately? Did I "hit bottom"? Is there a "bottom"? Am I facing forward so I am moving forward? I was totally confused. Do our lives spiral out of control, upward or downward? Why do they and what does it mean? Do we ever have total control over our lives in order for it to start spinning out of control? So many questions, yet, what are the answers.
An easy answer is to say that is just a catch phrase, verbiage, a cliche or slang. But what are the hidden meanings or implications. For example for me to start moving forward means I must have been going backward. How long was I going backward before deciding to move forward? I was in a position and working for people at a place I loved. I would have stayed their forever, well, maybe not forever but since we are going there lets say forever. I tend to change positions regularly, I would get bored and move on or an opportunity presented itself and it was time to move on. I didn't want nor was I planning to move on or forward at least not yet.
If I am moving forward now I must have been moving backward then or standing still, the only other options I see right now. But, I don't think I was moving backward. Was I standing still? Maybe and I didn't realize it? If I was standing still then why would moving be so depleting to my soul? I thought if I was standing still or not moving in life I must be in a place of blessed stillness or dead! I wasn't so I 'm not sure I was standing still. If I was standing in stillness I would be meditating, being in stillness. If I were meditating I would think I would have a notion that things were changing and going to change quickly. Is there something else I was doing that was unknown? Was I on another plane? Was I in a coma? Where was I to be able to start moving forward?
I really don't get it. Why do we have so many cliches that don't make any real sense? If this a cliche. Is it supposed to make us feel better? It didn't for me.
I'll try looking at it from a different angle. Was my life spinning out of control and now it is in control now that I am moving forward? What does spinning out of control look like? I am sure there are those who have their own opinions based on societal expectations. Things like too much drinking or drugs or being addicted to something could be part of spinning out of control, we have no control over our actions or addictions when in those situations. But, are we spinning out of control.
When I think of a spinning top or a hurricane spin they tend to go in one place for a little while and then move with something touching land or earth. If things get in the way they may hit them topple over and quite possibly destroy them but eventually the top or the hurricane stops or dissipates. If our lives go spinning out of control does it suddenly stop or dissipate? I would think yes, when we die. But usually or hopefully lives aren't crossing over because they stop spinning out of control. The hope is they "hit bottom" and then correct themselves, whatever "hit bottom" and "correct" themselves means.
I still don't get it. I had a great job, I have worked hard for a number of years, I have a loving family and friends, I enjoy my home and my pups. What was spinning out of control for me to hit bottom to have to start moving forward to?
After looking at forward for a little while I am wondering, just wondering, if it just means change. Whether we are spiraling or moving forward or backward or anything, experiencing a change, no matter what type of change, throws us into a place we don't quite understand so we start moving.
I don't understand the place I am in. I am hoping and working at moving in a direction that is comfortable for me again. I know growth is happening, I know change is happening and my hopes are it moves me to a place better than where I have been, otherwise why go through it? Well, I don't want to know the answer to that rhetorical question. I always embrace change but this time I have to admit, it is difficult to embrace. I feel like a clearinghouse, everything is being cleared away for the new. I don't see where the change is taking me; I don't know if I will be moving forward or backward or spinning but I do believe that life is full of change. Embracing the change no matter which direction or how it takes us is survival of sorts. Whether it is a change in jobs, in homes, schools, practices, or small changes in our lives things start shaking up and we are put in a position to re-evaluate where we are, who we are and where we are going although the last question is not literal.
Where this change is going I don't know. How this change is going to affect me? I don't really know except for now I feel out of balance and lost. My balance was my previous life, now I don't know anything about where I am going if I am going forward, sideways, backwards or in spirals. I don't know what tomorrow brings nor the next hour. I don't know where my feelings will be at any moment. I am truly in my thoughts living in the unknown. My change lead me deeper into the unknown. It didn't matter how I got here, forwards or backwards, but I am here. Sometimes it feels peaceful and some times it feels stressful. I often wonder what else I have to give up to be able to have a glimpse of where I am going but at other times I tell myself what else is left? Not a good question to ask the Universe, the Universe will find something else to remove!
Living in the unknown, not knowing about your daughter's wedding or understanding what is going on, not knowing what is going on with your children or what is going on in your hairdressers mind as she cuts your hair is a very calm place to experience the unknown. Living every moment in the unknown is very interesting....
Next or for another time: Living in the Unknown
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