This morning when I woke up and actually yesterday too I felt a calm, a peacefulness but yet I knew life wasn't calm, it wasn't peaceful nor in any sort of norm. The change was welcome but I was hesitant in accepting it. Why? Why not just enjoy it?
My first reaction is be careful. Over the past few weeks when I felt good or even close to being better than good something terrible would happen, a loss of my job, plans I was looking forward to being cancelled, losing something else, right now I am blocking out those instances, why, I don't want to think about what could happen. Right now I look out the window feeling peace, gratitude and yet wondering what else is there left to happen? I am not sure I want to even think about if anything else could happen.
I didn't use to be this way. I would get very excited about little things that seemed positive and when something negative happened I knew it was a run of a few bad or negative things happening and then a move back to a normalcy. I thought I figured life out sort of. I would feel a high of great things not wanting to go down but knowing I had to go down to appreciate the high again. The lows weren't always that bad, sometimes a few nuisances, nothing big to things falling apart all at once or relationships ending, the norm of life.
I would come across people going through health issues, job issues, relationship issues and major life issues. I would admire their strength and fortitude, even the attitude of some. How could they be happy through a time like this? I would make a note that next time I would take the occurrences with a positive attitude. I would be an example like they were, be positive, keep positive energy flowing, this too shall pass, etc... etc.... WELL, what a fake! I was a fake! Yes, it did help some times and maybe it helped someone else to not worry about me but internally, at a soul level I was a fake. I still felt terrible but I didn't want to go there, why not? I thought the Universe would curse me and terrible things would continue to happen because I was there. Boy was I mistaken!!!
Somewhere I missed a few details. I was given a range of emotions to explore, play with in this life time, why not try them out? I have learned I can be angry, I can be mad, I can be frustrated, I CAN FEEL! Yes, I can feel the range of emotions! Whew! I am not strange, I am not burdening this world by being angry or mad. I am exploring my emotions.
I have also learned it matters what you do with those emotions. I can feel angry about losing my job, I can feel angry about something a family member or a friend did or even a stranger on the street. I don't need to hold it in, DON'T hold it in. Feel it and let it go. The key is to FEEL and let go.For me the lesson is FEELING, once I feel it let it go. Getting angry doesn't mean to go out and reciprocate, beat someone or beat myself up. It means be angry, feel it and release it. I learned my body holds onto it if I don't. I don't need to hold onto that feeling or any feeling.
It is a feeling to feel, experience and let go. Wow! I felt I learned a lot here. I felt released from a burden I was carrying trying to be like the person who handles life's occurrences as if they were gifts with cake and ice cream. They are gifts to receive, experience and move on. It doesn't matter if the gift is of anger, peacefulness, gratitude, or exhilaration, it is a gift to experience and move on. I can scream, laugh, smile, frown, I do because I can. I am a human being filled with emotions to express.
Today when I woke up I did have a sense of oh no, what will happen, and then I decided I would start creating a day like the day before, a day where I can make some decisions and gain some control over my life but not control it. I'm not going to lose the freedom but gather a sense of security for my soul right now which may mean to have a couple expectations for myself today. I have created a goal for the number of job applications to fill out each day. It is a chore I don't enjoy but it is something I have control over and this creates a comfort zone for me. I am thinking about adding eating better too today. A little more control to feel some comfort but in the realm of healing myself. Will these create a downward feeling, I don't know, it is an experiment today in hopes to calm the spinning I feel I am experiencing.
I have been in a spinning or spiraling a lot lately, spinning around not knowing where I am going, where I am going to land or what is going to happen. I am taking moments to tell myself I am on vacation, enjoy the time you have, you asked for it! (Yes, I did ask for time, not like this but I wasn't specific.) In asking for time did I create the spinning swirling, growing atmosphere? Maybe, I've learned that there is no absolutely for sure in life. There isn't a definite no nor a definite yes. Life is. The swirling/spinning may or may not stop, maybe that is the way life is meant to be for me right now. I don't know if spinning actually goes out of control the way we think of being in control. Maybe spinning takes us to where we need to go. Spinning away from what is to what is to be. Maybe it is a good thing.
From my perspective, I spun out of control and gave up everything or lost everything except things that truly matter, friends, family, pets, home, and me. I lost a job, a sense of security, a sense of being of sorts, a sense of belonging in society, a sense of participating in society. I didn't lose me, the true me, I feel I am actually finding my authentic me. I am also finding my authentic friends and support system. It is interesting who shows up.
Yesterday I thought because it started off well I was going to lose my friends, I felt maybe I had leaned on them too much, not sure what that means but a thought went into that direction. I didn't want to lose my friends so should I be less "complaining" or in "pain"? Friends show up anyway. Some will listen more than others, no, I don't have to be in pain all the time or complaining but grateful for their friendship. They know the text to send, the timing of what to say when or something fun to do. They have a sense of what you need and when. I wanted to be a good friend and always show up for them. Now, I know how much it means when they show up for me. I am truly grateful, I just realized in the process I am learning how to receive, I am a giver, now I am a receiver. I didn't see this lesson coming.
Spinning, swirling, moving, not moving, wherever I am it seems to be for a reason. I am spinning, not knowing how or where to go right now. I am seeking guidance and understanding but when I am not looking I realize I am learning how to receive. It feels good, giving feels good too but receiving feels good I have received a huge gift of friendship that I am truly grateful for.
Maybe aiming for flowing, growing, peace, quiet, stillness isn't always the goal. Through spinning/spiraling, even through the thought of spinning/spiraling out of control lead me to realize what receiving feels like. I tried to be receptive to receiving but it was like trying to be happy when my world was falling apart at times. It wasn't authentic or true, now I know what it is authentically. I felt the need to have a job in order to have an income in order to be worthy to be able to create something to give. Now I see that when I am in "pain" at "the bottom" or what I feel is the bottom with nothing left, I have more than I could ever ask for, I have true, authentic, loving friends. THANK YOU!
Stillness is a great goal, it is an optimal place to be to see the world spin around us yet at times being caught in the spinning world opens up new lessons, thoughts, ideas and experiences that are there for us to have but can only be experienced in life's spinning cycle. I cherish my time of stillness, meditation, peace, quiet, and calmness, I feel good then. I am not a fan of constant spinning, I get dizzy, but I realize that life isn't meant to be spent in one place. Growth happens because and through and with everything else, at least for me. I also believe we each have our own desires, understandings, beliefs, whatever they are they are what we need. No one has an answer, nothing is "bad" and nothing is "good" they are all experiences we have the opportunity to experience. Some of us get to experience a large variety and choose to do so. Some decide to stay within a few and to dig deep into those, we are all here, we all have choices, we all have all the emotions, and experiences available to all of us. There is no right or wrong way.
I signed up for a lot of experiences and they have been happening. Spinning is one I am getting a little comfortable with so it may change soon. I still yearn for peace, joy, love and happiness. Maybe because I know that is where I came from and that is where I will return to, they keep me going through the experiences because I know peace, joy, love and happiness awaits me in the end either here or when I cross over.
One last note, a couple of days over the past few weeks I have found myself in a space of "knowing" and "understanding" the illusion of this life. I enjoy those moments and I am anxious to return to them. I'm not sure what that means, just a note. Another note, my astrology, cards, friends dreams all point to something grand happening in my life now, what is the jackpot? the relationship? Am I there now and not realizing it? I dream of being successful, having abundance, prosperity and love in my life. Are my definitions different than the Universes'? - A question for next time....
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