My son and I waited in line. I vividly remember my son being excited and me wondering how I would feel after the ride, would I be sick the rest of the day? How would I move forward? So many worries. I decided the best thing I could do would be to keep my eyes closed for the ride and then maybe I would be able to survive, I saw the roller coaster's twists and turns when the lights were on. Luckily it is dark during the ride.
We got on the ride, I even opened my eyes once to see the ride. It was wild, I remember the thought of being with my son the first time he road a real roller coaster. After the ride I got off feeling GREAT! I made it through the ride all in one piece and I am not sick!! I remember that day for a number of reasons, my son's first roller coaster ride, riding the roller coaster and feeling great afterwards, and today I see my former husband in a different light. He refused to ride the roller coaster initially but seeing I got off feeling great, smiling and actually enjoyed it he wanted to ride it too. I don't totally remember but I think he did and didn't feel so well afterwards. - Back to this later....
Thirty-some years later I am riding a huge roller coaster in life. The lunar eclipses I at first embraced have thrown me on a roller coaster full of many curves, loops, ups and downs. I have reached the lowest part of the roller coaster and look to moving higher. The first eclipse started the end of March 2015, two weeks before Easter. I decided to embrace it as much as I could, to me I thought it was a time to grow, be happy and move forward.
Boy, did I take on the biggest roller coaster of my life! The first eclipse opened up a huge change in my life, one I wasn't sure I wanted to change. It initially started at the end of 2014, I put in the burning bowl ceremony I wanted to release the past, all of the past and move forward. Looking back the roller coaster ride started slowly, maybe it was me standing in line preparing for what was ahead. My anxiety of the ride was showing through life occurrences: Grants weren't being awarded to my group, projects were there and then would disappear. My health wasn't bad but old "scars" started to appear. My jaw started acting up, that started with an old filling falling out. I'm sure if I looked harder there were more signs.
For now a look back starting for a search for a dentist that would take my insurance, a bigger project than what I thought. My monthly fees over several years would have paid for the visit probably without the insurance but I found a place. I went in with confidence. Then while taking x-rays my jaw started feeling tight. I would have that feeling every once in a while and I could ignore it and move on but this time I was feeling my mouth slowly closing. I had a hard time keeping it open yet I needed to do something about the tooth. My jaw had to be forced to stay open.
The "new" dentist or rather young dentist was enthusiastic but he had never dealt with something like this before. A new beginning for me and something for me to move past. I was teaching him while learning how to let go. The procedure took a long time, my mouth was fatigued, my jaw ached. I was in tears and crashed when I got home. Somewhere deep down I knew this had nothing to do with my tooth but I held onto moving forward in the same manner, to keep going the only way I thought I knew how to.
The days that followed my jaw would pop almost regularly when talking or even just moving it slightly. I had to address the situation before going back in a few weeks. I went to the chiropractor, a dear friend of my body, he could fix anything in my mind. He adjusted my neck and the popping slowed down tremendously but my jaw ached from the past few days. The dentist appointment was the next day. I was hoping all would be fine.
Hoping is the key word. Throughout the day I was feeling a tightness in my jaw, I would calm my thoughts thinking I could do this, I did it a few weeks ago. Everything will work out. Then, I got a call asking if I could go in earlier. I wish I would have said no but in the big picture at least I showed I was trying. It was only a dental check, what was going on? I arrived a little earlier and was lead into the x-ray room. I asked several times if I needed more x-rays, not really knowing why I was asking, it isn't something I would normally do. Of course they wanted more x-rays, different ones. Well, they got one and then my jaw locked. I was in tears trying to talk and feeling bad. I was embarrassed, it was only a dental check, why couldn't I let them look at my teeth? The dentist was able to look at the cap and do a little work on it.
I finally left with another appointment in a few weeks and thinking I needed a plan to move forward. I remember telling the dentist it is the emotion associated to it, now it was time to release it but how? Not sure why I shared that information but it came from somewhere deep. It was a message I was meant to hear.
Strange things kept happening, how to move forward? I contacted a dear friend, Tracy, and asked her for a reading. There were too many strange things happening. We set up a time, last time I marked my calendar and then I forget to call. I wasn't going to forget this time. I did all I could to remember, I even set an alarm. I needed some insight, my logical brain needed to know what was going on and what to do.
I was relieved to chat with Tracy, I knew she would have some insight into my chart and what was going on right now. Little did I know that this was the "official" start of the roller coaster ride. The past few months were me standing in line preparing, I was now on the ride, slowly moving forward and had been for a long time.
Uranus was having a great time at my expense so to speak. The Universe was laughing too! Besides the jaw I also had a laundry list of "strange" things happening. I saw my former husbands doppelganger, I met someone who kept pushing my buttons, opening wounds I didn't know I even had yet kept showing up. I had a jaw that locked, I was beginning to feel totally out of control. I have spent the past year at least dealing with living in the unknown, I thought I had that down or at least could accept most of it but now, things started to spiral, I needed to know something and I felt I had to start doing something about it.
After the meeting I had a plan. I was happy with the plan. I was going to go out and get a new journal, I hated journal-ling but I was going to do it in the bath with nice smelling salts incorporated in it. I would get oils to smell during the day and in the bath, I had a plan, I felt better. Every night I would take a bath salt bath, journal and heal my Divine Feminine. The other part of the plan was to find other sources that could help me. I knew of a woman who I worked with several years ago, she was a regression therapist. I know I had great success with her and I wanted to see her again. Looking back I had felt this for several months, I even gave her info to a friend. Now it was my turn to move forward. Unfortunately, she moved away and retired. I was given her replacement so I set up an appointment.
As a believer in Eastern medicine I called a friend about acupuncture. She was going to get back to me, she had an idea, maybe I could get into the free clinic. I felt I was setting up a happy journey to clear what was visible to me at the time. Boy was I wrong!!!
Surprise! That was only the beginning of a wild ride I wasn't prepared for nor would I ever be prepared for. My roller coaster ride excitement was just beginning. There wasn't a plan I could follow, I couldn't close my eyes and hope for the best. I was riding the roller coaster with my eyes wide open. I was going to try my plan anyway.....
My first bath started the evening of the lunar eclipse two weeks before Easter 2015. I felt ok, I checked my notes about relationships that were suggested for me to explore. I started my journal. I created what I thought was a good set up. I had a plan of when to take the bath, the salts were sitting next to the tub, I even scented some salts, a tray for my journal that came with the fancy pen, a speaker in order to listen to music on Pandora, love songs seemed like a good match, Michael Bubble worked. My journal was a little forced but I was intent on moving forward and I would journal. I had a plan for success. Unfortunately, it was my plan and only my plan. Roller coasters have a path but this roller coaster was in the dark and I didn't have a clue what it looked like.
The next day I got oils for grief release. I knew there were times I would be very emotional around my dad's crossing over so those would be a good to release that feeling. My thoughts would be to double duty everything. I decided journal for now, oils for grief over my dad and a course I ordered online to work on forgiveness of myself and others. I had everything covered, a plan, or so I thought. My logic mind figured it out. At times I don't realize what side of the brain I am using or the side that is working until after the fact. Now I see my logic mind was at strongly at work finding a solution while the creative side was resting.
I continued the process for a couple of days thinking soon a week would be over and then the second week and I would be cured. If only life and roller coasters flowed so smoothly. I don't think people would ride the roller coaster except for small children and adults like myself who didn't do well riding roller coasters if it did follow my plan. Looking back, life has never been so organized or easy as what I thought I was creating but, I continued on my plan.
I don't remember exactly when things started falling apart or rather clearing or when the roller coaster truly started the spins and spirals. By the following Thursday I found out my job was ending on Tuesday, I owed a significant amount in taxes due to an opportunity to work part time last year (I thought I was preparing for this and making a bigger nest egg), I needed to get my house painted, the lawn crew didn't like not coming every week so they could get paid, the list goes on. It seemed like everything had a hurdle to it. I was on a huge spiral, now I know roller coasters can only spiral so long and then they need time to get momentum up for the next round, I would prefer it slow down so I could breathe.
Needless to say, I called my friend Wayne. He was very comforting, he is a true friend who shows up for me every time. His wife Tracey was e-mailed too. Unfortunately, I took a vacation day Friday, it could have been a sick day or I could cancel then I would get one more day of pay but, I already took it off. I didn't know what to do, cry, have faith, I was beginning the decent. I was still in shock but trying to move forward. I went through with my Friday plans, my plans to clear all of this up.
First I went to see Theresa at the College of Acupuncture, I was showing up, I not only needed help with my jaw but with my emotions, spirit, and soul. I remember feeling like I was sort of on cruise control going there. I found the building, parked, went in, filled out papers and then went through the interview in front of the entire class. The interview went fairly well. I wasn't sure what was going to happen but I was ok. I am an educator, I am willing to help others learn. I was taken to another room while they showed through a camera where the needles where put in. The instructor came in saying only one person should put the needles in to keep the energy from one person. I am not sure why I remember that statement but in my mind I was worried it wasn't going to work because I had three or four people putting needles in.
After the needles were put in Theresa asked me if I wanted to be alone or if I wanted her to stay. Usually I would be ok by myself and preferred it but I was scared, emotions were floating to the surface and flowing out. Theresa stayed comforted me and told me to release them, all would be ok. (Little did I know she was in the same position without a job, she knew my feelings and thoughts). The good news was I am healthy, I need assistance clearing some energy plus she made sure I was on the list for the next month. I felt her loving heart connect with mine, I would be ok. She told me to relax, drink some chamomile tea and add some color to my outfit, take care of myself and relax.
Shortly after I got home Chitra was going to be there, the next part to my plan. I could take care of all of this in one day - my plan. She was going to work with me through regression therapy to remember my past. Something in my past needs to be revealed so I can release it. She came, we chatted for a while and then meditated together. She cleared my chakras and talked with me. No regression for now but she said I needed it. I was told my worthiness was being questioned by me regularly. I heard everything I did because I was trying to prove I was worthy. I'm not sure that is what she truly said or how this all fits in yet.
I'm not sure what happened, I was drained, upset, and not sure what was going on. My plan didn't work. Maybe everything started hitting me all at once. maybe it was that drop in the roller coaster ride that I was feeling. Little did I know the drop was only the beginning. After a nap I called Tracy in desperation , no e-mail, a call was needed. Besides, she always seems to have an explanation. I like explanations, the logical side of my brain loves explanations.
I shared with Tracy all that had happened over the past week after apologizing for calling. She said to call her any time, whew, knowing she is there is a tremendous relief for me especially now that on some level I realized my plan was never going to work, it wasn't the Universes' plan. We discussed how the eclipse hit me hard and the baths were cleaning out a lot, I was doing a lot and feeling it. I wasn't going to let up but move forward, it is only the beginning of the ride anyway. I kept telling myself, I am strong, I can do this, it will be done soon.... maybe this was preparing for the roller coaster ride too.
Realizing the roller coaster is just getting warmed up, the spiraling, the ups and downs are just beginning, I needed to figure out how I was going to hang on, hoping my seat belt could hold me in. I was preparing myself for the ride of my life, hopefully the only ride of my life like this!! Unfortunately, I knew this wasn't the only one, I have been here before. I made it this far, I can do it again. The only thing I really know now is to hold on and hope my seat belt is strong and will hold me in.
Next: How low can I go?
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